Why am I afraid to speak up?

It seems that my strength is returning to me. I recently started something that I was hesitant to do for a really long time. I started looking up more about my emotional issues.

I was afraid to do this at first. Perhaps because I thought that by doing this I would be finally admitting that I have a problem. Reading more about the issue turned out to be a tremendous help, however. It appears there is a plethora of encouraging information out there AND what's more important, I now know that there are others who feel just like me. If I was talking about one single website, one might think I am giving a paid testimony. But seriously, it was mind-blowing to realize that so many people around the world are going through the same patterns of thoughts that have been haunting me recently.

Those people shared about their dark feelings, and that helped me, so why don't I do that? Why am I afraid to speak up?

This is a quote that I found on one of those helpful websites:

"Many people feel pressured into hiding their feelings out of embarrassment or concern not to burden family or friends. But hiding under a calm exterior only saves the problem for later and stress can build up until it becomes unbearable."

That's exactly the case with me.

I don't want people to know, to view me as some sort of walking disease with contagious negativity. I am afraid to carry a stigma if I end up sharing my problem. As if next time someone sees me, they would think "oh, that's the one who...".
It also could be very unfair to a friend I choose to confide in, to absorb all the pain that I would be letting out. I read about crisis hotline volunteers who at times need help with depressions themselves after going through a round of people on the edge.

There is something else though that prevents me from sharing. It is by far the biggest obstacle for me with this. I know that I will make someone else, very dear to me, vulnerable if I share the truth, and this keeps me quiet.

I feel much better now and again think that I can be fine on my own. No doubt though that in the future, as so many times before, there will be another tough moment in my life, when I will stare at the phone and be prompted to call someone who might understand. As so many times before, I probably will not call. I just wouldn't know what to say. And people are not usually prepared that all you would want from them is a simple "It'll be ok".