Can you start now?

"Many people look forward to the new year for a new start on old habits."

29, 30, 31. That's it. The year is practically over. Soon there will be a brand-new 2010 -- which is by the way so strange to write out when you are used to two zeros in a row -- and a whole myriad of new beginnings that accompany all the arbitrary marks in time we create. 'Hey, let's do it tomorrow", 'I'll start in the morning', 'It's 7:43, I'll get going at 8', 'He'll begin on Monday', 'We'll set off in January'...can you start NOW?

I know, it's convenient. It's even psychologically comforting to set up those little milestones on your life path. I do it all the time. Though maybe sometimes it helps to stop thinking of your time in increments, providing for more opportunities to put something off and just do what you gotta do now?

I've abandoned my blog for almost a month. So many blog-related articles say not to point out whenever this happens as nobody really cares, but you know what, I don't care about their advice. Now, at 12:52 a.m. on Tuesday, Dec 29th is just the right time for me to start blogging again and expose to the world all the drafts that were hidden away for so long.

I did it. Will you now start that something?

What do you do?

What do you do when it seems like the whole world is against you? When everyone says go, give up, don't even bother, this won't ever change, it will only get worse. You search for proactive solutions and in return just have people shake their heads at you. You climb and they tell you it's not worth it, quit. How come it's so black and white for them? As if I ask someone to help me with a very challenging assignment to only hear back that I should drop the class. It's ridiculously difficult anyway, you don't deserve this, right? Or when I have an infection on my arm and my doctor suggests to amputate it all the way instead of helping me to first figure out how I can heal the wound. Hey, just get a good surgeon to cut off your arm, they'd say.

As much as I'm frustrated about the problem in my relationship, I'm even more upset at people who can't see that pulling out is not the only solution. Life is so complex. You can not just say that this is THE way to deal with your problem, no matter who you are and what all the nuances of your issue are.

This massive misunderstanding is perhaps partially responsible for why so many people are going through the same problems in complete silence. Outsider's view that there is a one-size-fits-all solution only emphasizes a lack of sufficient empathy and ability to relate realistically.

It's hard. It is so demonically hard to move in the darkness without any support. I wouldn't want pity, just knowing that someone is on my side, standing by me, trusting me to make my own choices and to live with their consequences. And even if that someone is not the one to help with my hard class assignment, at least I'd know they are with me, emotionally helping to deal with that decision to not drop out.

Call me a fool, tell me it won't work as much as you want. I simply refuse to listen!

I'm on a quest. I will confide in God, pull all my strength together and prove the whole freaking world wrong. I don't know how yet, but I will. You'll see...

Are you happy?

I'm content with my life. This means so much to me to type this up and actually mean it. I am content. Pursuing goals far above my head, chasing a better, stronger, smarter me. It will all persist. But for now I'm content.
I have dreams and I won't let them go. I have a family that will never turn on me. I have love for people, and it will not stop no matter how naive you think I am.
It's been so long since I felt so internally calm and satisfied with the way I am. It is a very neutral feeling, but it brings peace into my heart. I accept life. I will welcome its challenges and try my hardest to overcome them. I will help people. And when it comes to the point when it feels that everything is alright, I will enjoy the moment and be truly happy for the time being.

Should I be ashamed?

I just had an epiphany. That wonderful aha! moment, when all those stupid puzzle pieces that didn't go together just a second ago, suddenly line up and form a perfect picture. Love it!

I had sex with a friend last week. For the first time in my life I had sex with someone but my soul mate.

//Before you all make a load of assumptions about me cheating, let me hurriedly explain something. I am in an open relationship, open marriage to be more precise. I love my husband with all my heart. Just because we have a different definition of faithfulness than most of you, it doesn't make us cheaters. If you are still with me not feeling all disgusted and pissed off, I appreciate your open-mindedness. If not, I respect you having a different opinion, though you should keep in mind that there is plenty of other stuff to read online without bashing on my blog.//

Back to the part where I slept with my friend. It went great and there were no regrets. Until...//I'm sure those of you who should've left but decided to stick around, were thrilled to see that 'until' part//one of my close friends, being in a terrible mood, referred to that night's events very rudely. Now, if you've read this or know me at least a little, you won't be surprised that I didn't just dismiss the offense. Moreover, after a while it made me feel guilty, filthy, and just plain bad. That wonderful light experience I had last weekend turned into something to be ashamed of. But why?

I went back and force with my reasoning trying to resolve a conflict within me until...//that's right, there is another, this time triumphant 'until'//I found Hope's blog. Can it be more mind-blowing to find someone that strikingly similar to you? I couldn't stop reading. At the same time there was more realization that this is what I believe, yet I'm too afraid to confront society preaching the virtue of monogamy. Here are Hope's reflections on her sexual experiences:

"I chose to have sex with many different people. An experience I never wish to take back. I learned so much and loved so deeply. Each one of my lovers taught me something, whether it be about sex itself, about being hurt, being loved, letting go and healing, or taking back my power and saving my soul."

Wouldn't I be happy to feel this way in many years, to know that my life was rich and full? There was nothing wrong with that random play. It didn't harm anybody. It was yet another experience that helped me understand the world, and I shouldn't be ashamed of going for it. I knew it all along.

When there are so many people telling you how to live, it is stunning that only one voice could still be enough to help you find yourself and guide you back to your senses. I am thankful, Hope.

Can you become my friend?

It's funny how people are in my life. They come and go. Like starting a fire, you never know which spark will make it last.

This dance of souls

And knowing that you're understood

Can almost fool you into thinking ...

It's there. That spark created fire.

Once again, it doesn't happen

Just like so many times before.

And no one is to blame

Accept for wind

It's easier this way

A couple of weeks ago I met someone who seemed very close in spirit to me. Our talks were so open, and I felt more and more at ease telling those things that I don't share with others. But then it stopped. And I realized that perhaps it was all me. Perhaps it wasn't that special for him and I am sitting here, like a little girl, seeing a sophisticated fortress in an old refrigerator box. I wish you could tell, reach out and just ask, "hey you, am I in your thoughts? Am I as important to you as you are to me?" Me-me-me. It's only echo, no response. No questions asked as well.

That's not the only case. Years ago I received a letter in the mail from someone I knew almost 5 years ago. My life has changed so much since then. But she was there. She wrote how she remembered all those days when we were kids enjoying our time. We never made it then to what you'd call a Friend, but there was a spark.

I didn't write her back. I told myself I was too busy and moved on. Too bad. I feel ashamed and wish I knew the way to find the letter, write her back, and say I wish I knew her better.

It's strange. Like looking into the eyes of strangers riding subway. Can you become my friend? There is this moment lighting up a spark, they are getting closer. Are they up for talking? "Excuse me". They are out for exit. That little spark is gone. Oh well.

And no one is to blame

Accept for wind

It's easier this way

What's the most important word?

My blog is one month old now. When you point out how old something is, people often say "Time flies". It doesn't seem to be the case with me, and I really don't want it to be so. Too many aspirations, as always, never enough time or motivation to get everything done.

Instead of reflecting on my baby-blog's development, getting a print of its tiny cute hand, putting its first hairs in the envelope, or writing down those first awkward words (that really didn't count as words), I decided to take a picture. No worries though, we didn't have to bother the kid with camera flashes. There is a pretty cool and free google app (www.wordle.net) that does it safely.

Basically, Wordle searches though your website, and comes up with a picture or a cloud of words used on your source. The size of each word is proportional to its frequency of usage, so only the most "important" words stand out. For the purposes of convenience, some articles and conjunctions are ignored, making the pic free of giant "the"s, "and"s and so on.

Without further ado, here is my young and confused, but very sincere blog!

(click the image to enlarge)

Did you know the Moon smells?

It's been almost 40 years now since the first time humans visited the Moon. Almost 40 years since someone first breathed the moondust and realized it has a somewhat metallic smell similar to burned ashes or spent gunpowder.

It's been almost 40 weeks since I got my bachelor's degree and got married. Almost 40 weeks since I turned away from my scheduled routine predetermined by school and parents, and started my adult life.

It's been almost 40 minutes since I created this blog. Almost 40 minutes since I decided to share my challenging but exciting path of finding that special place in the world.

I hope this won't be in vain. Welcome to my blog!