This too shall pass

It's so good that high school doesn't last forever. One of my very old friends from the time I was an exchange student, found me at our little downtown bar tonight. He knew me at the time when I really sucked in life. The word "rough" doesn't do justice to how bad my first semester as an exchange student was.

The dude who found me tonight wasn't exactly a part of the cool crowd either. Skinny little freshman with the 'Beatle' hair, cracking voice and bad jokes. Now he is a fucking hot tattoo artist who plays in a band, goes to college, and savors life with his awesome girlfriend.

Things change. It's good to know that there are always people to walk with you through the bad changes to see the good ones come in the end.

Our last night

We were sitting on the risers left by the huge Christmas tree at my school's memorial union. It was about 1 a.m. The wedding, celebrated above, was coming to an end. You'd see dressed up people, who just a few hours ago were probably all posh and proper, come out sweating and drunk. A rather nice-looking girl in high hills and a mini skirt gleefully went down the stairs, followed by a guy who maybe had a little too much and now was cursing very loudly.

My friend turned his head away from the scene, "Someone is going to get some action." We sat in silence and stared more at the couple, "...and I'm not". I was going to joke and ask how he was so sure, but then decided against it. I knew he wasn't getting any that night.

We didn't talk for a while thinking about our own things and listening to the sound of slow, distant music. It's amazing how comfortable it can be to simply sit together quietly if you are with someone you know very well. There is some sort of connection you feel and no one needs to say anything to acknowledge it.

"I wonder how different my life would be if I wasn't..attractive. You know? Would we be friends?". I looked at my friend waiting for an answer, but he didn't turn, "Yeah...I wouldn't have even started talking to you." He gave a faint smile.

Bastard. I knew he was honest. I smiled too.

"What you tolerate becomes your standard."

I learned it the hard way - working at schools. Just show kids once you're OK with someone acting up and voila - the whole class is out of control.

It sucks when this happens with friends or "friends". You see how things are slipping and I don't know if there is a way to get back to the "higher" standards you once had. It gets into a cycle of treatment you are not happy about becoming a norm and you playing along like that's how it should be. At that point bringing that friend to have a serious talk is not even an option...perhaps because you know what will happen.

When am I going to watch you walk?

Sometimes you're waiting for something and don't even notice how you're forming an expectation of how exactly it's going to happen.

It's like a girl wants to have a good life. She wants to get married some day..wear a beautiful dress...a puffy white one...with lace...a hand-beaded floral lace. And so it goes.

My best friend is finally graduating this semester after 5 and a half years of ups and downs. Our amazing friendship started out in college. During all four years that we've known each other he was a student, so it made sense to me his graduation would be a big deal.

It was one of our regular weekly phone calls. "When am I going to watch you walk?", I think I was getting more excited than the future graduate himself. "I'm not going to the ceremony". His words prompted a confused pause.

I had no idea before, it actually mattered to me that he participate at his commencement. Worse, I actually had a mental imagery hugging him in his gown. Don't know if that's because my caring levels for him occasionally shot up to something parent-like, but it was almost like he was stealing my moment.

I thought back to my graduation. It was winter, too. A day so cold your nostrils would freeze as soon as you went out. My family, who came for their daughter's wedding occurring a week later, were still very much confused about life in America. I remember sitting with all the graduates and worrying if they figured out where to sit, if they have any idea what's going on, or if my little brother is bored. I could hardly recognize anyone standing or sitting beside me, but the overarching spirit of cheer, joy, love, and new beginnings was so powerful, it was fascinating. Then followed a short walk across the stage with a padded folder that had no diploma, and a hug from my husband I will remember for a long time. I felt happy.

Now back to my friend...I know that events that bring joy to one person can turn out plain miserable to someone else, but it's not the point. What makes me sad is really not the fact that his graduation will not be as I imagined. It's his lack of enthusiasm about the future and me not being able to help out.

Aviator

You know how it is when you're talking to someone and then something interrupts you. And even after that distraction is long gone the person you were talking to doesn't ever bring up what you were saying, and you realize that they didn't really care that much all along. Yeah...

Today I met up with Aviator. I haven't seen him for 6 years. We used to be friends in high school, fell out of touch later, and then started talking again online less than a year ago. It was on and off, but conversations were pretty solid. I never shared much about myself. It was more about listening to him talk about his life, girls, and airplanes.

Aviator was an open book no matter what I asked. It was a little strange, I never complained though. He would say things like "I want to tell you something that I haven't told a single person...You have earned a lot of trust with me...I value you as not only a friend but a confidant as well." I honestly don't know how this happened. I guess it was more of a 'we like those to whom we self-disclose' sort of thing for him. Still, it was puzzling he never asked for much in return. I did share somewhat through questions, but he never dug deeper. I liked that.

We met at his work, at a very small but nice airport. It went...okay. I don't know how someone might seem so different once you see them in person, or maybe you suddenly realize you failed to acknowledge that all while talking online? When I was younger, I had a hard time telling who was a real friend to me, and I would often ask myself how I felt with them. After talking to Aviator I felt like crap. My job, my goals, my abilities, where I live, my phone for pits' sake. What a self-absorbed stuck-up asshole, I came to the conclusion when it dawned unto me that I love where I am even though it might not be a "successful" place for someone who's got it all figured out..or thinks he has.

I came to my computer and skimmed through one of our talks. "I look at the remnants of being heavy. when I go to a restaurant I am very uncomfortable with my back to a large number of people..." Aviator has shared some deep intimate shit with me, and that was nothing like how we talked when we met. Oddly that cocky stud I saw today seemed way more personable when not in person.

Did you ever cut someone off your life who was a friend?

11:28 PM aviator: Yes. A few times

11:29 PM me: Why?

aviator: Why what

me: Why would you shut someone out of your life who was a friend to you?

11:30 PM aviator: I didn't agree with their actions and the path they wanted me to follow them down

11:31 PM me: I see

and you never looked back on those decisions?

aviator: No

"We fail more often by timidity than by over-daring."

David Grayson

True that. Couldn't put it any better.

There is this one person who means a whole lot to me. I'm not exactly sure what caused it, but he's very upset at me now and I want so much to fix things. I was wishy-washy about something with him and wouldn't give many reasons, so I guess that's why...It doesn't really matter what my excuses were for acting the way I did, I just wish I knew now that he's not hurt because of me. But I think he's too upset and too determined to get revenge or whatever scary thing he does to really hear what I'm saying. I hate it when this happens. When two people are headed in the same direction, yet something small happens that makes them confused and questioning as to whether they really were on the same team.

It's like in kindergarten. You play with your buddy but then somehow you get carried away and do something really obnoxious and unfair to them without much intent. You see your friend get upset. They throw stones at you, ignore your "sorry"s like they can't hear and walk away or maybe even get ready to beat you up. But somehow instead of calling them a monkey and thinking about saving your pretty derriere, you know you shouldn't be mad. You feel bad for what happened and want them to feel better...because they're your buddy and you love them...and you know that they care even if they don't show it at the time.