There are some days in my life when I just want to scream at myself "GET OVER IT!!!" It's sickening to worry about the same issue so many times. Why can't I just stop taking it so seriously, lay back, and enjoy life? OK, I can...but not for long.
We went to a birthday party today. Everything was going well. One woman there was recommending me a job that involved handling phone calls, when a 17-year old son of hers decided to jump in and sceptically add, "That's right, she'll be like other people on the phone with a heavy accent." Everyone laughed. Pretty funny, right? My husband even imitated a customer service representative with an Indian accent. It was fine. Light and friendly atmosphere. We shortly moved on. Well, everyone did except for me.
Even now as we're back home I secretly keep fuming about it. I get it. I too find it annoying when I have to spend numerous minutes on the phone not being able to understand much just because another big corporation decided to outsource their customer service overseas. But it's so different when people are talking about you.
I don't know, sometimes I'm perfectly fine with others making light of how I speak; tonight is different somehow. I'm just incredibly sick of the whole issue with my accent. I'm reminded about it almost every day at school. In the past I had a few people hang up on me as I was making business calls because they couldn't understand me. Someone once asked if they could speak to someone "more competent". It all got to me thinking that I didn't want anything more than being able to speak with a standard American accent. Speak legibly and clearly. Why does it have to be so hard? Later on I realized that this is stupid to make such a big deal of it, and there are plenty of other more worthy goals to pursue. But the complex is still there.
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It all started when I was on my first flight to the US. My friendly neighbor couldn't understand a word I was saying, so I would jot down my messages on a piece of paper. This was just the beginning. It got more difficult, frustrating and...embarrassing. But I was in America, and no matter how much I wished to turn back when we finally landed and I got that awful 'I'M SCREWED" feeling in my stomach, there was no way back. I had to suck it up and get the most out of it. That meant I had to speak. So, that's how it went. "Can you say it again?" "As much as you want!" I repeated my sentences 3-4 times. My style of communicating sometimes could be easily confused with a game of charades. I would point at words in my pocket dictionary, paraphrase, spell out whole sentences...just to be understood.
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I feel calmer as I'm typing this all out. I really really want to be better, and then every inconsiderate joke is a huge deal. I bet the guy had no idea his words would trigger such a storm in my mind. But it's like stuttering to me. It messes with your everyday life. You're well aware, you really try to stop it, but it's very hard. I hate it. Hate being reminded and worrying about my accent so many times. "JUST GET OVER IT!!!"
Lol, the more I read your posts, the more I am reminded that not only am I sort of short-minded and naive, I also feel sort of guilty... The first few times I read your blog, I honestly thought that you were American. I didn't know in the slightest that you weren't originally from America. After reading a few of your later posts, I began to understand that you were a "foreigner" or whatever the correct phrase is. But to be honest... I don't care. You get me, you understand what I'm going through when I write in my own blog and that's the greatest thing in the world to me! I love how we are sort of great friends but we've never even met =) It's... comforting, I guess, to know you are there when I need you.
ReplyDeleteAfter reading this post, I had the same reaction to begin with, but then changed when I finished reading. I'm from the south and southern speakers tend to have a heavy accent towards what my family, friends, and coworkers like to call "hillbilly" or "redneck". I have it when I talk and, I'll be honest, my grammar sucks, major. But I feel like that is who I am - it defines me as a truly southern and glad-to-be-it individual. I laugh right along with everyone when they call me a hillbilly or a redneck because I can't change that; I can't change how I talk so I might as well embrace it.
My advice to you... Why don't you think of it this way; You are from somewhere else and you can't help that you don't have that perfect American speech. So...Why can't YOU be the one with the normal way of speaking and it's just everyone else that can't speak like YOU do? =)
The words I your first paragraph really touched me!!! why would you ever feel guilty though? I consider it a huge compliment to be confused with someone originally from the states based on my writing. And yes, "foreigner" is the correct term :) Isn't it funny how we get so wrapped up in politically correct language that sometimes you just don't know how to call things.
ReplyDeleteI was thinking to make an "About" page to tell people more about myself and my origin, but I can never get around to it...and when I do, it seems like it's not good enough, so I put it off some more :)
Your grammar doesn't suck major...it sucks majorly J/K No, I honestly wouldn't say that about you and I read a lot of what you write.
It's so cool that you are comfortable in your own skin. I'm still working on figuring out who I am and then becoming hat "glad-to-be-it individual" :)
Yeah, I see what you're getting at. I actually heard a few kids say something like "I wish I could talk like her" or "You have such a tight accent". It's always so funny to me. It's like, grrr, you don't know what you're wishing for, you kids =)