I had a dream today, standing in front of my students and screaming at the top of my lungs, "You know what? FUCK THAT!"
I thought about it again when I was actually in my classroom with kids talking and half of them not even having something to write with. The dream seemed very surreal, but not too hard to see where it came from.
Their previous teacher quit. My first day with these students was accompanied by various staff members dropping by and curiously looking at how we're doing. "His classes are pure hell", quietly said the school's secretary in the morning. The principal came in and empathetically inquired if the teacher left any plans. No.
I felt bad. The kids went through several subs this semester. They weren't learning. It's been four days with each day having at least one moment when I felt like breaking down in tears. 7 periods a day. I was trying SO hard yet I felt like I was still failing, they were still failing. I would spend a few minutes just sitting and spacing out when the day was over.
I found all sorts of different props left by the former teacher while looking for passes. It was his first job. He probably felt very passionate about what he was doing. He probably felt very disappointed and disillusioned. I was upset this happened. Upset that he gave up so soon, that there wasn't someone who held his hand and said, it's ok, just keep pushing through, here's what you can do. Somehow not upset at the kids.
My husband and I went to a convocation tonight with a speaker from University of Illinois talking about all the numerous problems that African-American boys in urban communities face. "Teachers ask me, how can I teach them? And I answer, how can you not?" He spent the entire speech describing what's going on, but I didn't hear a single practical solution to those issues.
I can tell you how I can not. I could write a separate blog about my challenges at school. Whether it's a person of color or not, some students just don't care. They simply don't see any value this education.
I wish I could make everyone as eager as I was to go to school. I am out of school now - completed a few months of college - and I miss homework and schoolwork desperately, lol. Just to research and write an essay would be awesome! =D I loved getting those A's in school and I was SUPER proud of my 3.98 GPA. I miss it =(
ReplyDeleteWow. If you're so eager, why don't you finish your degree when you still have so much drive for this sort of work? There gotta be some sort of financial aid available to you. It probably will be harder to get back to school later in life, and you seem like a very academically-oriented person.
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