The taste of being late

I hate myself. At this moment.
I vehemently want to change what I am.

I feel so powerful, smart, ambitious, capable, yet I stall at the first opportunity of something I find really worthy.

When you fail at things that are not big to you, it doesn't matter. You might not even notice. It's a whole other story when you've been working on something painstakingly important to you and in the end realize you didn't do your best. I don't feel depressed. I'm disappointed in myself.

I am not good at a whole lot of things, but I break my back and try hard at things that matter to me. To have a good job, to kick ass at your job is important. It's vain to beat yourself up after you saw yourself failing at things you can do very well. It's too late. I know it's in my hands to change what I despise in me, to change the pattern I can recall since the early days of school, yet same ol' flaws come up again and again. I managed to acheive so much, yet as always I absolutely suck with organization.

This past few weeks I got invitations to move on with my application processes for two of the teaching programs I applied for. More assignments, interviews, tests. I was to write two essays for the third program, which I like the most. It was my big chance. A $30,000 stipend and a door opened to teaching. It will take too long to describe how much I invested in it, coming up with ideas, drafts, talking to one of the alums, straightening out questions. And then in the end I completely fail at doing justice to my efforts with preparation. I collect the missing puzzle pieces and fail to put them in place. I have them, but who cares? They are not where they should fit.

It's not the first time.

Sometimes I just need to say to myself "It's good enough" instead of keeping pushing on "should be better" and in the end settling for "better than nothing".

I want to chnage. I will.