Don't know what to call it :(

I'm sitting on a very clean, carpeted floor of a private college, where I go to school. We're done with the class, but I'm sitting in a little secluded hallway, trying to sort out my thoughts. I feel hurt. More than anything now I want to be with my mom, holding her as tight as I can and not letting her go for the longest time. I would slowly rock her in my arms, humming a tune of a lullaby she sang when I was little.

Earlier this evening I had a mistake of checking my e-mails right before the class started, while being in the room with other students. Two of the e-mails were from my mom. The subject line read "Don't know what to call it :(". The other one was titled "Your room". My parents were in the process of giddy preparations for their third child. They were going to move my brother into my old room, so I didn't think much of the title. Nothing was suspicious when I opened one of the e-mails. Usual hello's followed by an update on my mom's pregnancy. "On February, 6th" , she writes "dad and I went to the clinic for an ultrasound and found out that my pregnancy is still".

In English it's called blighted ovum - one of the most common types of miscarriage when for whatever reason an embryo stops developing. My dad had to continue the e-mail since my mom apparently started crying and couldn't finish it. She had to undergo a surgery to stop developing an infection inside of her and was now recovering at home.

The e-mail wasn't over, yet I realized that for a while now I've been sitting with my hand covering my mouth in disbelief. Tears were falling down my cheeks and I had to just leave the classroom with my phone, attempting to dial my husband. It was too late to call my parents with the time difference. Or maybe it wasn't. I didn't know.

My heart goes out to my parents. I don't even know well how to express exact same feeling in Russian any more. Truthfully, it is not as much the grief over loss as sadness of knowing that people you love are deeply hurt by the event. Only now I notice that my parents found out a few days ago. It certainly was not an easy bit to share. I feel for them so much. My mom must be devastated.

Yet I've said nothing. I don't know what to say. I only wish they could feel my tight embrace. I wish it wasn't true what I read.