What do you care what others think?

There are times when I feel like flipping off the entire world. These are those few, rare times when I want everyone to leave me alone.

I am upset. With myself.

Go away...but not yet.

I am sick of thinking about my self image. Worrying on and on about what other people might say or even think about my choices, actions. I am tired of adjusting my life to how they would want it or at least pretending that I do. Tired of being afraid that I'll make someone mad, that they wouldn't like me. Feeling abashed and insecure. I've known for a while that you can never please everyone. It is physically impossible and stupid. Then why do I chase rainbows? Why the f@%k do I care? Honestly.

One Russian poet and writer, Boris Pasternak, noted that

"The great majority of us are required to live a constant, systematic duplicity. Your health is bound to be affected by it if, day after day, you do the opposite of what you feel, if you grovel before what you dislike and rejoice at what brings you nothing but misfortune."

Pasternak had to live through Stalin's purges, despising communism and its ideals. At least he had a clear reasoning for masking his true self for a while. But what about me?

This constant search for social acceptance doesn't lead to great rewards, at least not long-lasting. In the end it makes no sense and just brings more frustration as you are not being yourself. What does it mean anyway, to be yourself? I am not doubting that humans are social beings, thus it would make sense for us to pay attention to perceptions of others. There is a fine line though that I can never discover, that allows you to keep an eye open on people's views of you while not betraying what you really are.