I feel very open right now. Open to new approaches, new ways of dealing with my whatchamacallit, really don't care to categorize it now.
Back to square one. I hit rock bottom yesterday. And it's ok. Well, of course it's not ok that this happened, but shit happens, and I really shouldn't blame myself so much and be ashamed of it. sigh. ok. done with that one.
So, where do I start? Who am I? Someone who really doesn't know who the hell she is. Good. At least I'm confident I'm a female. Next. What do I want? To be fulfilled...that's not specific enough. I just want to know that I'm not wasting another minute of this precious life. I want to freaking help others and make their lives better, to make a good difference and die knowing that I wasn't just a piece of crap that couldn't even fertilize the earth.
Nice. Now what? I guess a quick recap of what's been happening. so often I just don't acknowledge things properly.
A lot of issues are shoved under the rug. Actually, not that many, but each of them seems to be so massive and complicated that the whole rug gets awfully bulgy and impossible to walk on.
Both him and I practice avoidance right now. He's taken up by his Math stuff, which I totally don't mind. It seems like he tries to just occupy his mind as much as he can, but whenever he's back to reality, it all seems too frustrating and depressing. Sometimes instead of sadness it goes to anger. and I'm not in the position to help. I wonder if we make one another worse now or if those are just circumstances that put us both down..and down and down. I'd say both.
I've tried something on my own. I'm not hard on myself now. That's a big step forward. I think for so long I've been pushing myself way too far that there came a moment when I couldn't handle the pressure any more. Snap! ouch. Now I try to ease up, so I can get back to the way I really am. Fairly happy, loving, capable...
To be continued.
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