Productive Rambling. Part II.

Continuation from Productive Rambling. Part I.

Let's see how I'm coping. I listen to music and it's usually not depressing. I run. Unfortunately most of the time I do it only when I'm stressed over the top, but it gets better. I take drives to get my in-laws' dog. Oh so often I want to dive away somewhere else, without any particular purpose, just do 80 on a good empty road. Too bad it's not how it works. Gas isn't cheap and money is tight. Anyway, I can walk, right? Yeah, I've been taking random walks at random hours. I'm not sleeping normally now, so the hours are really messed up. I started watching shows. At the beginning it would completely take me away and I couldn't feel better, but after the 3rd episode I guess I developed tolerance. It won't work. Dang it.

Business is on hold. It's such a painful subject. I feel anxious just mentioning it. I know I need to face it sooner or later. Just don't feel I'm strong enough for that yet. I can say exactly the same about the relationship with my father. Him and my father. Is there even a way we can work through this? Another deep sigh. There is also that kind of annoying feeling that's been in and out for quite a while. I suppose I could say it's me being offended, but no, it's not that, then upset? hmm, no. ok. I just can't come up with the right name for it. I think it's that damn self-esteem issue that I got so open and now there is no way to blame it on something that wasn't me. I was who I am, entirely, and I'm just so fucking confused as to what really happened and why. Don't know.

Next on my agenda is job market. I should not be intimidated!!! --ok, whoever is reading this, now is the time when I start remembering about you. I stop and concentrate. I want real me, not me keeping you in mind.-- I just don't know how to do it. It didn't work once when I tried so hard and now I'm cowardly afraid, or I just don't know how to organize myself to be a success. I look at other people and completely shy away. I'm not that good. I just don't know how I can ever achieve their level. Honesty. I can't write well. I speak with an accent. Some things sound so unnatural and I can't find someone who would be willing to go over those things with me. There were times when a native speaker would point out so many mistakes a.k.a. suggested corrections, that I would almost get discouraged from writing even here. Sucks that other people effect me so much. But hey, I'm still writing, at least for myself.

I can't get my act straight. For whatever stupid reason I haven't been that productive 'me' for so long now. The whole job hunting thing overwhelms me, and yet again I try thinking of all the future perks to motivate myself. Job = financial stability. Ah this is so important. Next, we will have health insurance..hopefully, and we will go to the dentist, and I won't be afraid to get to the ER. Fuck. I start thinking about you, my dear reader, imagining how pathetic it all sounds.

Another pause.

I need to come up with a plan of baby steps and try to follow through with it. It's the hardest to start. I know, once I get the momentum and see that I can, it will work very well. But for now it's just thoughts, preparing the grounds, so to say. Had no idea it would be so important. Remembering yesterday again. it's ok. shit happens.