It was all right

I grabbed the first piece of paper I could find. I need to write this down. I haven't felt this way in..oh it's useless, who cares about the time.

If you saw me now, I would shamelessly interrupt you from whatever you are doing and just start talking, frantically pacing the room with that crazy "I have an idea" sparkle in my eyes. You would think I'm out of my mind. You could laugh in my face, get obnoxiously mad, ignore my every word, slap me, be simply amused..you know what ...IT DOES NOT MATTER.

Years of worrying, stress, insecurities, regrets, shame, guilt, all those situations when I just felt like disappearing for a little, when I was doubtful and had no idea what I should do next or, more often, what exactly I should've done differently -- it was ALL right. It all was right.
No no, please don't go yet. (I'm blocking the door, so you can't leave:))

I believed in that before...no, never before I actually perceived so clearly and distinctly that it all had a reason. Even those mishaps I'd rather erase, they were there and they should stay there in my past. None of it really matters anyway. Yeah, they shaped that experienced "you". Garbage. What really matters are those moments. Those rare, intimately beautiful moments when you were truly happy, when there was no fear or worries, and you felt free. You have felt it. That's what's important.

Tonight I had one of those moments. It wasn't about any particular person or an event, more about a whole big chunk of my life lining up together and making sense now. It was all right, even the things that were wrong. It made sense on the big scale. There were no regrets. and for that moment I meant it like no other time before.

I laid there with my eyes closed, enveloped by the sounds of piano, waiting for him to come and kiss my smile.