Caution: This blog post is severely fucked up. I mean it. I want to apologize upfront to the people who care about me. I do know that "sorry" doesn't just do it in such situations, but this is how I felt at that time and I want to share it in hopes to help other people who have been there.This post is going to be very very hard to write. I'm really trying to forget that anyone might read it as I'm typing.
But i decided I will do it, because it doesn't make sense to contemplate doing something when you can't even talk about contemplating it.
I get those episodes once in a while. It used to be very rare, but as I got done with school and strayed away from my clear-cut path, it started happening more and more often. It can last from a few minutes to almost a day, never longer. So I just live through it. I know it will pass, so I push through all the negativity and try to LIVE through it. No matter how long it takes, I know there will be a calm after the storm.
I am very ashamed of it.
You won't find any sleeping peels in our apartment, nor any other medications that could be lethal. All the knives are saw-like to make it harder to cut through the skin. I am not to use the car when I am distressed.
I was laying in the darkness, thinking about my death. No, it wasn't death that occupied my mind. It was life I was not proud of, life that I thought wasn't worthy enough to keep living. That's what I thought then. Everything seemed black and white. One-sided problems had no solutions, no future, no hope. I couldn't go on any more. I'm just not doing a good job with too many things. A failure. The mere fact of me having those thoughts, cowardly giving up like that and considering suicide just made me want to do it more. [kind of a chicken or an egg situation] Those thoughts can't keep coming over again.. It's like a vicious cycle spiraling inward toward a center. There should be a resolution. That's what I thought then.
this is enough of having those thoughts. they just get more fequent. there should be an end.
The thing is, I don't want any pain or even any inconvenience to others if I decide to do something [completely and uterly dumb] to myself. i even thought of a way to kill myself so my loved ones wouldn't need to be bothred much with my rotten body. I laid in bed and mentally wrote a poem, which I thought I wouldn't be able to post here as it might disturb people who care about me [again, makes a lot of sense. writing about it might disturb them, but it's totally cool that I'm thinking about actually DOING it. no, that won't disturb anyone at all]. I was wishing to have a way to vanish without anyone noticing, without anyone feeling hurt or harmed by my disappearance. i didn't want anyone to worry about my nasty body, a funeral, the whole idea that someone they knew commited suicide. I imagined that scenario lmost like keeping my body but having that something that people call "self" or their soul, cease existing.
Then I heard a phone call. Right as I was in the midth of my agony someone called. It was my very good friend. I pulled together all my energy and tried coming up with the most cheerful "Hey" I could get out of myself at the time. The next thing I heard was him wondering if I was ok. Oh well, I guess acting is not my thing. "Why did you call?" "Is that a bad time?" "No, but why did you call now? ". I thought it was almost psychic of him to call exactly then. Just a very nice coincidenece. It gets even weirder.
"I almost killed myself today" - he said. Ok, here it got really hard. All of a sudden I didn't mourn about my miserable stupid self. I would never want my friend to hurt himself. So once again, I pulled whatever's left together and prepared to listen calmly. The thing about suicidal people, they often describe similar feelings. Of course, perceived problems vary, but the overall message always seems to be along the lines of "I can't cope any longer". As I was listening to the guy, I heard him say the things swirling in MY mind, but I couldn't afford to let him think this way. With each encouraging word I gave him, I pulled myself up as well. It was an awfully difficult task, when I kept holding the phone's microphone away, so God forbid he realizes that I'm crying. We talked for about an hour. At the end he remembered that i sounded distressed at the begging.
What was wrong?
Oh...I'm over it now. Don't worry. I'm just so glad you called.
I don't remember you telling me about this particular occasion.
ReplyDeleteWhat is it, by the way, that goes through someone's mind when they think to put an end to their existence? I suppose there must be a pain so immense and immediate and intense which one sees no future for oneself worth enduring, or even no other way of putting an end to. Well, what’s that like exactly?
I mean, you know, I've thought, "what if..?"
But it was more of like a theoretical question. I don't think I've ever formed a real intent to kill myself. So I can't really understand what that could be like.
Oh, and yes, I’ve even gotten the idea from you to *think* I might be considering doing it… but I really don’t think I was. Not like this. Not *really*.
Now, it certainly seems that some people are more susceptible to that sort of pain—in its psycho-emotional variant I mean, though there can also be physical pains that one might see no other solution to—than others. Of course, some of that has to do with the nature and extent of the problems they encounter (Some people, for instance, are rejected and bullied for being gay, for example). But it doesn't seem to me to be significantly connected to how deeply people think about the problems they face: I think it’s directly correlated to dwelling on things, yes, but inversely correlating to meditating upon them in a deep and significant way. But what do you think?
I really wish you could have found the solution to such pain in me in such times.
But I’m glad such times are behind us!
For the world as a whole, however, suicide remains a serious issue: Think of all that is lost in cutting drastically short the most productive years of a young, healthy, gifted person’s life and in all that was invested and built up with them in the years that they are with us upon the earth, that’s suddenly shattered and forever destroyed! What great measure of goodness must come to naught and what immeasurably good deeds not be done!